Studying — Revised
by Aeli Kindara
Summary: The Marauders are "studying." Needless to say, this is just a figure of speech. James doesn't know what's going on inside his own head, Peter makes a startling discovery about ham, Sirius discusses the nature of heaven, and Remus breaks his laughing-box.


**A Note of Explanation:** This story has already been published. I posted it in script format, and a few hours later got an email from the admin, telling me the story had been deleted because of "interactive, chat/script, real person, mst, and etc." Now, I'm not really sure what they're talking about, because the only of these offenses I'm guilty of is writing in script form, which I have seen a lot in some really good stories. So the story got deleted and I got suspended for a week. But I like the story, and so I decided to post it in what I believe should be _acceptable_ form. It works better as a script, and if you want to read it as a script, tell me so in your review and I'll email the script form. This style doesn't work as well. But I hope it does work well enough to make you laugh.

**Disclaimer: **If you recognize it, it belongs to J. K. Rowling or Monty Python. If you don't recognize it, either you aren't familiar with J. K. Rowling or Monty Python, or it belongs to my family, friends, or crazy Latin teacher. Enjoy.

* * *

The Marauders were sitting in their dorm room, eating Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans and studying for their Animagus transformations.

"Hm, I wonder what this one is, it doesn't look that bad — _BLEURGH!"_

James ran to the bathroom. He returned a moment later, looking slightly green.

"I don't even _want_ to know what I just had in my mouth."

Without looking up from his book, Sirius replies, "Not knowing what's going on inside of one's own head — first sign of madness, that is."

"You shut up. You make it sound like something happened to my brain or something."

"Brain, mouth — what's the difference?"

"For you, there isn't one," Remus commented dryly.

"Sometimes I think that as a child, Sirius's only thought process was 'Ham is good.'"

"Are you saying that's changed?"

"I still can't see why he likes the stuff. I mean, ham is just _gross —"_

"I guess I should have seen it before, why Peter doesn't like ham when he likes just about every other food. He can't stand the idea of eating a fellow pig."

James looked thoughtful. "I don't know; I wouldn't put it past Peter to eat, say, Moony if he was hungry enough — and surely if he'd eat one of us, he wouldn't mind just eating some pig?"

"Wait — ham comes from pigs?"

All the others burst out laughing.

"Where did you think it came from?"

"Wildebeest?"

"Wait — really? It comes from pigs?"

"Yes, Peter. Really."

"Where _did_ you think it came from?"

"I don't know — I didn't really think about it — but I didn't think it came from _pigs —"_

They all burst out laughing once more.

"Well, you guys, as funny as it is that Peter didn't know ham came from pigs — maybe we should get back to studying."

James raised an eyebrow. "Is Sirius actually being serious?"

The others groaned.

"That joke was ancient a long time ago, James."

"But I didn't even mean to do it that time!"

"Suuuure."

"_You _shouldn't be talking. At least I know where ham comes from."

"You know, James, unless you get back to that book quickly, I might get even farther ahead of you than I already am."

"Damn!" James hurriedly returned to his book.

"I still can't believe you two are racing to see who can become an Animagus first," Remus remarked. "And I can't believe that you think a few pages in a book will make that big a difference."

"Shh! You're distracting me!"

Remus rolled his eyes.

Half an hour later, they had gotten bored of reading. Sirius, having set down his book, was playing with a pair of scissors. He began to menace Remus with them.

"Stop it, Sirius."

Sirius snapped the scissors at him. "I'm going to cut you up!"

Remus snatched the scissors away and pocketed them.

"Hey! Give me the scissors!"

Remus ignored him.

"Give me the scissors! I promise I won't cut you up!"

Remus continued to ignore him. Sirius settled back in his seat, pouting. A few minutes later, he looked up again.

"I'm hungry." He paused. "Give me the scissors!"

The others burst out laughing, yet again.

"What?"

"Like I'm going to give you the scissors after _that."_

"After what? Oh — I see."

More laughter.

"Considering I'm supposed to be the vicious man-eating monster here, there sure seem to be a lot of people wanting to eat me today."

"But I didn't actually want to eat you. James just said he wouldn't put it past me, except I didn't have time to deny it, because I was too busy realizing that ham comes from pigs —"

Still more laughter.

"You know, I never laughed so much before I met you guys. I think it might be bad for my vocal chords."

"Oh, has Wemy-poo stwained his waughing-box?"

For this comment, Sirius received several odd looks.

"Laughing-box?"

"Whatever."

"Sirius, I would think you'd have studied enough anatomy diagrams for transfiguration by now to realize that there's no such thing as a laughing-box."

"But we haven't studied human transfiguration yet, have we? Humans might have them! See? I have an alibi!"

"First of all, that's not what you call an alibi. Secondly, you've been studying books on Animagus transformation, which is the most advanced human transfiguration there is, for two years."

"Ha! He hasn't absorbed it properly! I WIN!"

"I have too absorbed it! I've memorized the poop out of every single book, buster, and you better not forget it!"

"Um… how do you memorize the poop out of a book?"

"Just let it slide, Peter. Just let it slide."

"Sliding? I like sliding. Have you ever had a really long hallway, with a freshly waxed floor, and nice thick socks, on a Saturday? Let me tell you, that's as close as it gets to heaven on Earth —"

"You don't need to tell us, Sirius. We were there, remember? That was two weekends ago."

"I knew that. I was just testing you."

"Suuuure."

"What? You don't believe me?" He gave an enormous fake sob. "These are dark days indeed, when my own closest friends do not trust me —"

"And what exactly would you do if we _did_ trust you?"

Sirius grinned evilly. "Ooh, that would be fun."

"My point exactly."

**A/N: **At this point, the writer, who was being distracted too much by the advertisement for Monty Python's Spamalot sitting on her desk, suffered a heart attack, and keeled over backward in her chair, and therefore the story stopped. She apologizes from a long, freshly waxed hall if the ending seems abrupt, but she has gone on to a better place, and she remembered her thick socks. Please review.


End file.
